Relationships are important for our wellbeing, yet they are often something we only really invest in once things have become really hard. Couples come to see me when the same arguments have been repeating for years, communication is hard or intimacy has changed/disappeared. Often mentioned as the hardest part is the lack of connection. Sometimes clients come when the relationship is already at breaking point.
By then, the same patterns may have been playing out for a long time and there can be a lot of hurt, resentment and exhaustion between them.
Sometimes there simply isn’t much love left in the tank to draw on.
Change is possible with willingness and investment from both people.
This is one of the reasons I encourage investing in our relationships earlier.
It is easier to improve our relationships while there is connection, goodwill and love.
We can look at what is underneath the repeated argument, notice that we are becoming less curious about each other or that repair isn’t happening as easily, and explore that together with openness.
When patterns have already been there for years, they can still change.
It does mean giving the relationship enough time, attention and commitment to understand what keeps happening and begin doing something differently. That means giving couples counselling enough continuity to stay with what is emerging, rather than returning only when things have escalated again.
Sometimes what becomes clear is that a relationship has come to an end, or that compatibility has changed over time. Relationship counselling can have value here too.
An ending doesn’t have to undo everything that came before it.
There may be a way to separate with openness, care and generosity, to acknowledge what the relationship has meant, and where possible keep part of the friendship or connection that was there in the beginning. This can be particularly important when children mean you will remain in each other’s lives.
I think we sometimes struggle with the idea that a relationship can have been deeply worthwhile and still come to an end. That can be hard to contemplate when you are in the hurt of a relationship ending, but perhaps there is also something to be said for learning how to end relationships well.
That too can be something we work towards in relationship counselling.
I keep wondering whether we are living through a time in which our relationships and close bonds will matter to us more, not less. After decades of achieving, acquiring, getting ahead and creating a certain standard of living, with technology evolving so fast, maybe the value of the people around us, the quality of our relationships, and having people with whom we feel connected and known will matter more and more.
Our relationships are worth investing in.